In the Navy, the real story

In 1995, Jacques Chirac became president and as his first thank to the people, Chichi decided to get rid of the compulsory military service that every single French boy had been trying to avoid for years by using various tricks such as pretending to be mentally sick, perverted or drug-addicts. (the gay thing didn’t work unfortunately). Yours truly had left the country to discover the world but also to disappear from the surface in order to not be found and sent to the army, ‘cos in spite of my interest in a man in a uniform, I felt that I’d rather keep the man in my fantasy rather than in real life.

The damn French Embassy in Stockholm finally found me (read other post about the darn embassy – here). They sent me a nice little letter to remind me of my duties towards my country and that if I failed to show up at 7 am on February 3rd, I would be considered a traitor and sent to jail upon return to France.

I would have happily become a traitor and never ever return to France if my family hadn’t lived in this country. I was 25 at that time, which is quite old for military service, but thanks to never-ending studies I had managed to postpone my doing this useless duty.

I had already gotten a full time job in Sweden, I was involved in a serious relationship and could not afford losing 10 months of my life, away from boyfriend and work. So I decided to do the *big Spiel* and sent a letter to Chirac. I thought, it was better to aim high right away.
In the letter, I explained more or less that losing the safety of my life in Sweden, losing income and my dear lover boy would probably turn me mentally unstable and did he really want to be responsible for that? That’s more or less what I wrote, in a more subtle way of course with a few polite words and right punctuation. I never received any answer from Chirac, the only thing I got back was a free train ticket and a blue-white-red invitation to some dusty Navy base in the south of France. However, my letter to the president was kept in my file and followed me around until the end of my military time. I became famous as the guy who tried to go behind the army’s back by contacting Chirac. That made me very popular…

10 things I learnt during my military service

1- UNIFORM 1: A man in a uniform looks better in your fantasy than in real life. French Navy uniform are so tight and uncomfortable that there is absolutely no room for any movement or extension ofany organ whichsoever.

2- UNIFORM 2: The pervert who designed the French Navy uniforms (bell-bottoms and tacky striped T-shirt à la Gaultier) in the early 60’s was a sadistic man who deserved to be thrown overboard.

3- MARCHING: The first three weeks of your military service are the most meaningful ones. I learnt things that really turn me into a man. This time definitely made me understand human values and the pleasures of evolving in a group, live with my dear fellow human beings really.

During these three weeks, you are served an intensive military training, you do all sorts of health and mental tests etc… But the most meaningful part of these three weeks is the marching. I loved the marches, they really turned me into a better person. Marching at the same speed as the guy beside you is a challenge, but it’s oh so useful in your civilian life afterwards. I was really thankful to the Navy for teaching me that! Basically we marched for about 6 hours per day, it’s amazing to see that some people did need the 6 hour-practices, as I realized some people do walk funny (I’m one of them). Then we would wait a lot between different marches. Later during the day (and that’s the part we all looked forward to) we got to practice shooting. But I didn’t get to do that as I pretended I had stomach problems, this is a trick I’d learnt. Blame it on the stomach when forced to shoot. Apparently, stomach problems can make you lose concentration and balance and you could hurt someone.

4- FAGGOTS, WOMEN, SISSIES and RETARDS: were the kind words commonly used by our superiors to encourage us to march straight.

5- HOMOEROTICISM: is widespread however not in the Navy. For the first few weeks everyone worried about the lack of sex thoughts we all had. We even started thinking whether they had put something in the food to prevent us from butt-slapping each-other in the showers. Concentrate on the marching please.

6- BUTT-SLAPPING: in the shower did occur every now and then though.

7- PUNISHMENT: No S/M torture table just cleaning chores. One morning I forgot to make my bed. I was punished. Had to clean the floor between 2 and 4 am. Meaningful. Made me reflect on what a bad person I was really.

8- SHIP: Don’t know, never went on one, never wanted to either. They kept me on land as they thought I would be more useful there. I had a strong impression that most professional Navy men were not too eager to sail away either. They were more interested in participating to local events in their white uniforms and occasionally play war. I read that many military men and women left the army when France went to war in the Gulf in 1991. It suddenly became too close for comfort.

9- LE POMPON: is the little red thingy on all sailors’ hats. There is a tradition in France that you should always ask a sailor to touch his Pompon and it’ll bring you good luck, love, sex and children. Not sex with children luckily.

We were always stopped on the street to have our pompon touched, usually by women. A lot of giggling accompanied the touching. Some of the sailors went out at night wearing their uniform, a real chick magnet.

10- USEFUL: I did wear my uniform when I went to a Leather Club once. But that’s another story...


PS: I took these pictures this afternoon. The pics, as usual, have nothing to do with the text.